i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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