My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
