Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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