CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
