Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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