we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
