DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
