shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
