Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize