I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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