Can i not drive my cunt home
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
