don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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