Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize