when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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