She is in my trunk
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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