please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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