Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
