Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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