I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
