i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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