He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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