see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
