I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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