she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize