I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Randomize
