I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
