You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
