Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
