Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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