who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
