No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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