even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
