eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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