How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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