i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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