Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
