please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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