You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
