Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
