Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
