The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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