I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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