Your dad touched me again.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
