eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
