If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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