i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
