is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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