Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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