my shit smells like andre
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
