just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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