Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
