I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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