I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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