Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
