She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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