she told me i tasted like america
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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