just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
