So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize