Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
