I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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