And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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