my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
