Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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