I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
