Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
