i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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