Jerry, you need to find god
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
