someone threw a dead crab at me
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize