if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
